Blogging! Why am I doing this?! Ell oh ell.

I started this wanting to journal/document recovery + getting back into fighting shape, but truth be told I haven’t done much to either recover OR get back in shape. A lot of me feels like I’m still hiding – licking my wounds – wanting someone to coddle me and take care of me.

It’s been hard watching my body change. It’s been hard gaining weight and having little control over it. Having little discipline and motivation.

I read something recently that’s been sticking with me. The author wrote “who would you be if you weren’t afraid? What scared you, and who would you be if it hadn’t?” (or something like that). It’s been sticking with me – who would I be if I wasn’t scared? If I wasn’t so readily prone to seek comfort and inactivity over action. If pain in my legs and an increase in heart rate and breathing heavily didn’t set off alarm bells in my brain.

I told myself during chemo that once I got through this I would be a spitfire. I am not that now, but maybe one day.